Fanboy/gal Anonymous
FADE IN:
INT. THE F.A.’S DUNGEON MEETING PLACE-NIGHT
AND clears his throat and directs a spotlight onto Flick Chick. She squints at its intense light.

AND
Pink stick chick, Hellooo. Care to introduce yourself?

By this time all the Coordinating Conjuctions have turned around to stare at Flick Chick. Flick Chick giggles nervously, pulling at her hands.

FLICK CHICK
I guess I can go up there.
AND
That’s right come on up and tell us your sad fangal story.

Master stands up.

MASTER MIND
Wait a sec. It’s my turn to share. My name is Master Mind and I’m a Dr. Who fan bent on world domination.
BUT
You’ve already gone. Come on up pink stick chick and continue your unrealistic portrayal of ideal female beauty.

Flick Chick walks up to the podium. The rest of gang sniggers in back. Rex starts whispering to his cousins.

FLICK CHICK
Hi my name is Flick Chick and I’ve been a fangal, before there was a name for it.
FANBOY/GALS ANONYMOUS MEMBERS
Hi Flick Chick.
FLICK CHICK
Wow, that’s quite a welcome. Well...I don’t know what to say really...

Flick Chick stares at the audience suddenly shy, trying to think of where to start. The dungeon is pretty quiet except for dripping water sounds and Rex. Rex starts speaking louder. The audience stares at them.

REX
So I was like dude and she was totally like dude.
TEX
Dude.
REX
Yeah I know, dude.
MAX
Dudes!
RAT
WTPh! Would you two shut it! I want to hear Flick Chick’s phoquing craptastic tale of fangalness.
FLICK CHICK
Thanks Rat. Like I was saying I’ve been a fangal for a long time. My first film of fan devotion was the Star Wars trilogy, something I continue to love. This is kind of embarrassing, but I actually read the Star Wars expanded universe. I find it enjoyably mind emptying.
REX
Tell them about your contributions to fan fiction.
FLICK CHICK
I think we can skip that.
AND
No! I think we should explore that.
FLICK CHICK
I’ve written a small piece making fun of the E.U. in the theforce.net’s discussion forums, but only cause I was inspired by Darth Holiday’s stories. That thread taught me the meaning of words like fanboy, sock, craptastic, and kewl.

Everyone starts moving and shifting in their seats. Flick Chick is seriously boring the crap out of the audience.

AND
You’re really the most boring fangal we’ve ever had.
FOR
Let someone else share their story.
REX
Yeah, you ain’t living up to the HYPE, Flick Chick!
PATTY
Get off the stage.
FLICK CHICK
All right. I’m going. Dr. Daisy perhaps you’d like to share your fangalness?
DR. DAISY DANCER
No, I pretty much know who I am. A gal who loves Alan Cumming and would spend my life stalking him and Eddie Izzard if I had the time.
PATTY
I think I’m out of here. You’re getting dull Flick Chick.

The gang turns around to head out when shots ring out. Everyone ducks and starts to panic.

RAT
WTPh!

Flick Chick crawls back over to the gang. Rex and his cousins are hiding under their chairs. Another shot is fired; it lands right near Rex. He starts shaking and quaking from fear. Flick Chick crawls next to Rex.

REX
Oh my God. Oh my God.
FLICK CHICK
Rex.
REX
Assassins and murderers and bears oh my.
FLICK CHICK
Rex! Did you ever call that hit off your cousins?
MAX
Rex, you put a hit on us?
TEX
Dude.
REX
Maybe. Just a little one.
RAT
Wait are you telling me that’s The Professional out there?
TRICIA
(Directed at The Professional)
That’s it no more free drinks for you.

A bullet thuds into the wall next to Tricia.

TRICIA
(continuing)
Hehehe. Just kidding. Your drinks are free.
PATTY
You want that I put an arrow up her gun?
REX
Could you?
PATTY
Isn’t she standing over there on top of that medieval torture device?
FLICK CHICK
No that’s one of the coordinating conjunctions. It looks like it might be BUT.
TEX
Hehehe. You said butt.
FLICK CHICK
No I didn’t. I said BUT, you know one of the fanboys.
RAT
Right.
MAX
So Rex are you gonna call your hitman...
THE PROFESSIONAL
That’s hit woman, buddy.
MAX
Sorry, I can’t see you cause you so well hidden and all. So are you going to call your hitwoman off or not?
REX
Uh...The Professional I’d like to renege on our deal. Ok? It’s just I kind of remebered the importance of family and I really don’t like bullets flying around.
THE PROFESSIONAL
What about my money?

Suddenly a puff of red smoke appears in the center of the dungeon, à la the Wicked Witch in The Wizard of Oz. Gandley Dolph, Brain, and Lord of the Bling 11 step out of the smoke.

BRAIN
Next time we do that, could you leave me behind? I swear smoking is bad for the brain.
GANDLEY DOLPH
But where would I put my laptop then? Your jar is like the perfect height.
LORD OF THE BLING 11
God, it’s going to take me like a week to get that fire and brimstone smell out of my nose and my bling bling.

Patty runs over to the group. A bullet lands near Brain’s wheels.

DR. DAISY DANCER
She is such a good shot.
RAT
I know. It’s like watching Annie Oakley only The Professional never seems to hit anything.
DR. DAISY DANCER
You’ve noticed that too. Thank God, I thought I was just missing something.

Everyone stops to look at Dr. Daisy and Rat.

RAT
Sorry, you can start the action back up.
GANDLEY DOLPH
Thank you so much. The Professional would you mind coming out and stop your shooting.
THE PROFESSIONAL
What about my money?
GANDLEY DOLPH
You don’t need any money.
THE PROFESSIONAL
I don’t need any money... Hey wait a minute, yes I do. Pay up Rex.
REX
I don’t actually have the funds right now.

A bullets clips Rex’s ear.

REX
(continuing)
Ow!
GANDLEY DOLPH
Enough! You shall not be paid, The Professional and Rex you shall not hire hitmen...women anymore. Ok.
REX
Okay.
THE PROFESSIONAL
Fine.
GANDLEY DOLPH
Now come on you guys we’ve got a quest to get started on and hanging out with a bunch of fanboys isn’t going to get us any closer to discovering much that once was, which is now lost.
FLICK CHICK
What have I gotten myself into?
REX
Adventure? Fun? Excitement?
FLICK CHICK
Something like that.

The group moves out of the Fanboy/Gal dungeon. Master Mind has overheard all.

MASTER MIND
A quest for that which is lost, eh? I might have to keep an eye on this ragtag group. Mwahahahaha.

FADE OUT.